Super Good Sex School

The Bad Thing About Good-Looking Siblings

2010-04-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

When you have a brother/sister that's really attractive, by default, you become the ugly sibling.

I'd like to apologize to my brothers and sisters. And I'm sorry that you're also dumb, bad in bed, and really boring by default.

There's nowhere to go but up, guys.

You Should Buy A Bed

2010-03-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

You're out with someone you like. Someone you're attracted to. Someone you want to have out of control, condom-wearing sex with.

Then they say those six fateful words. Not "I'm really into getting choked, lately," but "I want to see your place."

That's code for doing things our grandparents didn't know existed. There's just one problem:
You don't have a bed.

Maybe you're artistic. You need that extra space for your painting/drums/wrist cutting knives.

Maybe you're cultural. You spend a semester in Japan and got really into those tatami mats.

Maybe you're just stupid and have no money for beds.

When someone wants to come over and have sex, you should already have a bed.

If you don't, call a friend who owes you a favor. Make them buy you a bed at the nearest 24 hour bed store and put it in your place.

Call another friend who owes you a favor. Make them buy you bedding.

If you have a third friend, get them to wash the bedding because otherwise it's going to have all those new bedding crinkles and creases that are not at all sexy. This also gets rid of that bed-in-a-bag smell that turns everyone off.

Stall your date for the next 3 hours until your 3 friends have finished paying their debts to you.

If you do not have any friends, tell your date you just got really bad one day diarrhea, and invite them over tomorrow night. You don't actually have really bad one day diarrhea(this is key), you're giving yourself the day to buy a bed.

When they come over the next night and ask if you're feeling better, tell them you lied about the diarrhea. They'll forgive you once they see how awesome your bed is and how good you are at sex in your awesome new bed.

People Who Clap When They Dance

2010-02-25T16:13:00.000-08:00

These people like to spank/get spanked during sex. You should dance with them. I used to think that only crazy girls like to get spanked. Now I know that only crazy girls don't like to get spanked.

I'm always clapping along.

Cheating

2009-09-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

If you're in a serious committed relationship and you know you're gonna cheat, don't be in serious committed relationships. When Jesus said "know thyself" and when Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true.", they were talking about you banging people other than your significant other.

But when you must have your cake and also put your wiener in some brownies, try not to have kids.

If you have to cheat on someone, at least buy some spermicidal jelly.

Oral Sex Lesson For The Day

2009-08-12T21:24:00.001-07:00

When you receive oral, unless you're a guy, return the favor.

Vocabularity Lesson For The Day

2009-08-11T01:11:00.000-07:00

Winning: verb. Formal version of cumming.

The proper way during formal lunches to discuss having an orgasm without tipping other nearby patrons you are talking about losing it.

Example: "Last night, I was banging Rachael so good she was winning after 30 seconds. Then I pulled out my boner and won all over her face."

No one will ever know.

3 Mistakes You're Probably Making In Bed

2009-06-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

1. Asking how they like it.

Never ask if someone likes your performance. TELL them they like it.
The difference between "Does that feel good for you, lady?" and "That feels good for you, lady." is huge.
By asking, they then have to assess the situation and your skill level. By telling, they can only assume you're right, thereby making their memories of the experience that much better.

2. Pillow talk.

Pillow talk is a necessary skill for any Super Good Sex Student but it's all about subject matter.
The last thing you want to do is compliment them on their sex abilities. This only gives them confidence that they can find better than you. They can't.
Statements that show you were present and paying attention like "Your bed sheets look old", "I'm going to eat food some time pretty soon", and the classic "We had sex. Yes we did." work like gang-busters.

3. Taking off clothes. Yours AND theirs.

This is a huge tell about your skills or lack thereof.
Bra removal is something you can practice on yourself, friends, and mannequins. The Single-handed Insta-Unsnap is a glorious day for boobs everywhere.
The real trick is jeans. Whether they are yours or theirs, pulling them down inside-out can be cute, showing your eagerness to get down to business.
Getting caught on those ankles creates a yank fest leading to Dryville and Limperton that must be avoided.
Slowly, PURPOSEFULLY remove jeans/slacks/skorts.
Look them in the eye while you slide them off as if to say "Mmmm...This is happening. I play for keeps."

Fix these mistakes and you might learn their last name afterwards!

The Cayenne Pepper Diet

2009-06-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

This one's for the ladies.

When something is called a "revolutionary dieting technique", know it comes with a hefty price. This particular diet gives you the driest (most dry) vagina ever. Don't do it. Quality lube is expensive, and we're in a recession. Stop being selfish.

Side effects:

Not eating actual food makes your breathe stink.
You poop all weird.

Eat a salad, drink a Diet Coke, and work your fitness through Professor-approved exercises (having sex with your Professor).

-Your Professor

Male and Female Mustaches

2009-06-01T18:12:00.001-07:00

Right off the bat, women with facial hair have no excuse. Obviously you look in the mirror. If you notice it but tell yourself, "Nobody will notice it"; buy one million dollars in life insurance and kill yourself. Write me as the sole-benefactor so I can get this blog really rolling and save other women's lives. If you see facial hair, everyone sees it. The only time this doesn't matter is when you're a fat, crazy foreign woman or my grandma. And my grandma doesn't have facial hair, and you can read English. You have no excuse!

Most girls don't like kissing guys with mustaches, unless they are super-ironic or into hipsters (the casual form of douche bag). So guys, while I agree that having a mustache can be super hilarious and a great conversation starter, only grow one if you had a beard and you're doing that funny piece-by-piece facial hair trim down that lasts a week. Or if you're doing a movie/tv show/web series/youporn.com home movie that requires the rocking of a righteous 'stache. Also if you're a movie star, rock star, or a Mexican. Mexicans always make mustaches work.

When I said girls with mustaches, I meant vagina mustaches. And vagina beards. I don't like kissing vaginas that remind of Paul Bunyan. I'm from Minnesota (I like this one too). I already think about Paul Bunyan enough. If you absolutely must have some hair down in the bread box, keep it cute, simple, and creative. I do. Return the favor. Mine's usually the letter B with a dollar sign after. It's elegant but not distracting.

I understand that you want to prove to me you've gone through puberty. There are other ways to achieve this. What works best is to have boobs. If you don't have boobs (I'm not mad, I don't either), bring a recent Target receipt (pretend Pampers are tampons as I could not find an image of a receipt from Target for tampons). Don't show me the tampons. I can't stress that part enough. Do not show me your tampons. Show me the receipt. I'll take your word.

If you don't grow a mustache, I won't. And I can't grow a mustache to begin with so just don't grow one.

The "Just Enough" Trust

2009-05-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

This definitely is not a beginner's skill. Unless you want to pay me to hold your hand up to and during having sex with someone, it's time to learn to take the formula bottle out of your ass and learn to fly.

The "Just Enough" Trust is a very specific form of trust. It's that middle trust ground when someone trusts you just enough to have sex with you, but not enough to ask favors of you. Helping them move, holding hair while they puke, picking up grandmas from airports; these are things you don't wanted to be trusted enough to have asked of you. That's called work. And when having sex is work, you suck at having sex.

Giving off the vibe to be trustworthy enough to bone but not trustworthy enough to really care is all about attitude. When you're hanging out with your hopeful bone-idate, act like you care that they exist and are alive, but don't care enough to, say, know what their pet's name is. It's probably something like "Dr. Jigglesworth III, Esquire", "Cap'n Sandwich", or "Steve". All terrible. Care in the vague general sense, not the specific. You'd feel bad if they were in a car accident, making them late to see you. If their mom is in a wreck, what is she doing driving after dark?

Remain interested but aloof. Considerate but burp a few times. Think un-insincere. On a scale of disingenuous to heartfelt; where the eff is un-insincere?! Even I don't know! And neither will they. Be that. They'll have to have sex with you to find out.

Getting Married

2009-05-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Don't. Do not get married.

The only reason I would ever accept you getting married is if it's to someone who is way better at sex than you. Or if you are sexually the best you could be and this person is your equal, thereby making anyone after them a step down into disappointment.

If the latter is the case and you want to be sure, please contact your professor during office hours and I will administer written, verbal, and demonstration tests. If your potential life partner is a female, I'll check myself.

She probably won't want to marry you after that, anyway. You're welcome.

People Who Give Bad Head

2009-05-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

Ugh. This is the worst.

Most girls say that they are really good at s-ing d's. How do they know? "Because no guy has ever complained about me going down on him before." NO DOY no guy has ever complained about you going down on him before because if he complains about you going down on him, you're not going to go down on him anymore! And guys would rather get boring blowjobs than no blowjobs at all.

Conversely, I hear tale of many a lad thinking that after watching 3 scenes from an adult "romance flick" on our internet, they are skilled in the art of kissing lady bits. Yet the lady bits think otherwise.

This lesson is not so much on how to teach someone to give you the 3rd base you richly desire but how to get out of 3rd base and slide into home. Or if you prefer, just to leave and go home.

Guys: There are a few ways to go about this without hurting the delicate psyche that is the female ego.

Say, "I miss kissing your lips, baby boo." As you pull her up by her face to kiss her, sneak a condom on and get to what you do best. Think of this move as a magic trick. She won't know how you did it, but she's sure to say "Ooooh" and applaud.
Reverse psychology. "Smack, girl! There's no way you're as good at sex as you are and kissing my man-sage. Girls love to prove guys wrong. And guys love getting away with lies.

If you can tell they'll be just as terrible at sex, start silently weeping. When she asks what is wrong, say, "I'm worried about (insert family member's problem). Examples: "I'm worried about my grandma's retirement/dad's golf handicap/my sister being stung by bees." All give you points for caring and an open window to run away.

Girls: Guys are either idiots or over-sensitive babies. Who cares what they think?

Say, "You're terrible at this. Stop. Don't call/text/facebook/tweet about me anymore." Then leave. Problem solved. You're a girl, you'll find another guy who wants you. It's called craigslist misc romance.

Hey everyone, craigslist misc romance. It's a disaster come true.

Post (After) Coitus (Sex) Etiquette

2009-05-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

You've just given someone the ride of their life. Now what? If I had a dollar every time someone asked me that question, China would owe me money.

How you handle yourself after intercourse depends on many variables, such as: personality, sex style, attitude, skill level, and looks. A good rule of thumb is the better looking you are, the less you have to think of other people. So for the sake of argument, let's assume you are about average on all of these. You're still better off than many!

After one of you (usually the guy) has achieved the final climax, remain motionless in that last position. Hold eye contact, smirk, and slowly nod your head as if to say, "Nice job, winner."
Separate your bodies. Lay on your back, put your hands behind your head (a la
Ferris Bueller), and bask in a private moment of your personal goodness.
Acknowledge the other person's attempts at pleasing you. A compliment usually works well. Things such as "I like what you did with the balls," or "A for effort," or a simple high-five are nice cappers. High-fives often express what our thoughts cannot.
If you choose the high-five, make sure you get that good smack sound. A weak-sounding high-five is disrespectful both to yourself, and your abilities at intercourse.
Get up and leave for the bathroom. Brush your teeth (if it's not your place, eat some toothpaste), restyle your hair, and if there's room, do push ups in the bathroom. Coming back smelling, looking, and feeling your best makes everyone want 2nds.
Don't give 2nds right away. It's all part of the dance of distraction. This is when you do something else. Show them your favorite internet videos or challenge them to a game of Uno (keep cards nearby.) Post coitus flirting is a master class all its own.
After about 20 minutes or so, decide if you want to bless them with another go or if it's time to go.
If you're ready to be done with them for the day and you are at their place, this is an easy out. Mention that you have work/vacuuming/karate class early in the morning, get dressed, say thanks for the memories, and leave.
If they are at your place, kicking them out is a subtle art. Make it about you, not them, assuring their fragile ego remains intact. "I'm a gentleman and I want to pass gas but won't while you're here," and "I think I have spiders in my bed but you can totally spend the night if you want!" are classic lines. Create your own that suit you best. Or start weeping.

None of this is something you can master in a night. As always, keep practicing. Try different techniques on different people. Soon you'll be feeling just as good about yourself long after the sex is done!

The Bar Approach

2009-05-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

So you're at a bar and you spot someone that you want to give super good sex to. Slow down, AC Slater. Before you can perform the disappearing condom supply trick, you need a volunteer from the audience.

Here's a few tips to make that gal/guy/transgender yours to enjoy.

Eye Sex

Good eye sex is super key to go from awkward strangers to awkward acquaintances.
Stare them down. How can someone know you're interested if they don't see you seeing them? They can't, that's how. You can either go with sultry face or full on "check this out" face. Both work.

The Hello

Never just say hello. A great trick is making a first impression guess about them. The more difficult to answer, the better. "I bet I ate more of these raisins than you", "Have our dads met before?", or the super popular "Are you not un-nervous as I'm not?" This will not only make you right, it will make you memorable.

The Conversation

This separates the winners from the beginners. The way to make people realize your goodness is to tell them. Constantly and continually. Talk about your childhood. Talk about the dream you had last night that doesn't make any sense. Talk about how your much you hate your boss. Or if you are the boss, talk about how everyone below you is an inept piece of human poop. People prefer hanging out with others who know they are better than everyone because, in turn, that will make them better. Share your awesomeness.

Last Call

This is the best part of the night for a true bar master. I hope you haven't spent all night putting your sandwiches in one picnic basket. You should have talked up as many people as possible all night. Them seeing you using the same techniques on other people will do nothing but help you. "Confidence, that's what that is," they'll say. If you make it too personal, they could fall in love with you, and that is a whole bag of chips that you don't want to have to vacuum up later. Once the bar is closing, stand outside the door and wait for each person to leave. Stop and talk to them until you have everyone you've talked up the whole night circled around you. Let them fight it out. Played just right, every night of the week could be you with a different person from that bar. Or better yet, all of them in one night. That's called the "Ideal Sexnario". More on that later.

I don't expect you to get this technique right out of the gate. It may take several nights at several different bars to master. Don't be surprised if those first few bars don't let you back in when the staff realizes your weak skills. That's why Jesus made yelp.com. Options.

Super Good Intro.

2009-05-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

Hello, my sexually inept friends. Welcome to my ongoing Super Good Sex School For Super Good Sex Lives. My name is Professor Blake, and it is my goal to bestow all of the knowledge I have learned in my varied and extensive sexual learnings onto you; my students.

Everyone starts out like you, totally clueless of the whos, whats, whens, wheres, hows, and whys of a successful sex life. Even I once was unaware of the proper social tactics for telling someone you don't like how they trim their bush (we'll get to that later) or the ways of sneaking out after sex (again; later). Eventually, with the tools of my teaching and my talent for learning the latest ins and outs of sex, you'll know things like proper choke etiquette, coolest things to shout during climax, and more. Oh so much, much more.

So grab your cyber pen and notebook. Super Good Sex School is in session.

-Prof. Blake