The Bad Thing About Good-Looking Siblings

When you have a brother/sister that's really attractive, by default, you become the ugly sibling.

I'd like to apologize to my brothers and sisters. And I'm sorry that you're also dumb, bad in bed, and really boring by default.

There's nowhere to go but up, guys.

You Should Buy A Bed

You're out with someone you like. Someone you're attracted to. Someone you want to have out of control, condom-wearing sex with.

Then they say those six fateful words. Not "I'm really into getting choked, lately," but "I want to see your place."

That's code for doing things our grandparents didn't know existed. There's just one problem:
You don't have a bed.

Maybe you're artistic. You need that extra space for your painting/drums/wrist cutting knives.

Maybe you're cultural. You spend a semester in Japan and got really into those tatami mats.

Maybe you're just stupid and have no money for beds.

When someone wants to come over and have sex, you should already have a bed.

If you don't, call a friend who owes you a favor. Make them buy you a bed at the nearest 24 hour bed store and put it in your place.

Call another friend who owes you a favor. Make them buy you bedding.

If you have a third friend, get them to wash the bedding because otherwise it's going to have all those new bedding crinkles and creases that are not at all sexy. This also gets rid of that bed-in-a-bag smell that turns everyone off.

Stall your date for the next 3 hours until your 3 friends have finished paying their debts to you.

If you do not have any friends, tell your date you just got really bad one day diarrhea, and invite them over tomorrow night. You don't actually have really bad one day diarrhea(this is key), you're giving yourself the day to buy a bed.

When they come over the next night and ask if you're feeling better, tell them you lied about the diarrhea. They'll forgive you once they see how awesome your bed is and how good you are at sex in your awesome new bed.

People Who Clap When They Dance

These people like to spank/get spanked during sex. You should dance with them. I used to think that only crazy girls like to get spanked. Now I know that only crazy girls don't like to get spanked.

I'm always clapping along.

Cheating

If you're in a serious committed relationship and you know you're gonna cheat, don't be in serious committed relationships. When Jesus said "know thyself" and when Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true.", they were talking about you banging people other than your significant other.

But when you must have your cake and also put your wiener in some brownies, try not to have kids.

If you have to cheat on someone, at least buy some spermicidal jelly.

Oral Sex Lesson For The Day

When you receive oral, unless you're a guy, return the favor.

Vocabularity Lesson For The Day

Winning: verb. Formal version of cumming.

The proper way during formal lunches to discuss having an orgasm without tipping other nearby patrons you are talking about losing it.

Example: "Last night, I was banging Rachael so good she was winning after 30 seconds. Then I pulled out my boner and won all over her face."

No one will ever know.

3 Mistakes You're Probably Making In Bed

1. Asking how they like it.

• Never ask if someone likes your performance. TELL them they like it.
  
• The difference between "Does that feel good for you, lady?" and "That feels good for you, lady." is huge.
  
• By asking, they then have to assess the situation and your skill level. By telling, they can only assume you're right, thereby making their memories of the experience that much better.

2. Pillow talk.

• Pillow talk is a necessary skill for any Super Good Sex Student but it's all about subject matter.
  
• The last thing you want to do is compliment them on their sex abilities. This only gives them confidence that they can find better than you. They can't.
  
• Statements that show you were present and paying attention like "Your bed sheets look old", "I'm going to eat food some time pretty soon", and the classic "We had sex. Yes we did." work like gang-busters.

3. Taking off clothes. Yours AND theirs.

• This is a huge tell about your skills or lack thereof.
  
• Bra removal is something you can practice on yourself, friends, and mannequins. The Single-handed Insta-Unsnap is a glorious day for boobs everywhere.
  
• The real trick is jeans. Whether they are yours or theirs, pulling them down inside-out can be cute, showing your eagerness to get down to business.
  
• Getting caught on those ankles creates a yank fest leading to Dryville and Limperton that must be avoided.
  
• Slowly, PURPOSEFULLY remove jeans/slacks/skorts.
  
• Look them in the eye while you slide them off as if to say "Mmmm...This is happening. I play for keeps."

Fix these mistakes and you might learn their last name afterwards!